Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ruben's LiveJournal:

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Friday, February 20th, 2009
2:26 am	Love, Emotion, Social Anxiety I don't know how to love anymore. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ready, willing or even ABLE to love someone. I don't want to hurt anyone again. And I see Danny at work and I think... GOD, this guy loved me so much... I wish I could love him the way he did me. I don't want to be in a relationship... but I REALLY WANT to WANT to be in a relationship. I feel incapable of loving someone though. Am I just not ready? Have I not found the right person? I've never fallen in love with some... just the idea of loving someone. Is that what we really fall for? This preconceived idea of falling in love that's forced down our throats? I haven't prescribed to it in a while. It keeps me humble. I cried a lot tonight, which was wonderful. I cried when I saw the preview to The Soloist and how familiar it looked. I cried when I was thinking how lonely I DO NOT feel. I long the longing, and that makes me a little sad. I cried when I was feeling sad... not because I felt sad, but because how beautiful and grateful I am to feel sad, or just emotions in general. I had a very brief conversation with a good friend where I mentioned feeling grateful for sadness. It evokes a certain internal self-evaluation in me that helps facilitate change and growth. I fear optimism sometimes, which is arguably a bad thing. I once told my mother, "there's a fine line between optimism and being delusional." I meant it, especially for her. I enjoy being sad just as much as I enjoy being glad. In fact, I think I've learned more about myself and people in my introverted state of mind feeling sad, more than any other state of mind. Sometimes you need that disconnect in order to evaluate the world around you. It keeps me humble. I always feel awful when someone calls me out on being non-communicative. It reminds me of days in high school. My severe social anxiety. THE question always asked of me, "why don't you ever talk?" or "why are you so quiet?" lingered in my mind today as my good friend mentioned how frustrating our dinner was, how he was the only one talking. Seven minutes of silence? I felt so self-conscious, raw, naked, anxious. My internal dialog amplified. I questioned my own behavior. Searching for words I can speak to fill the empty space as to not disappoint. Words. Someone at work today mentioned she never heard me speak, which I found incredibly shocking. I feel I'm quite communicative, even charming and charismatic with all my coworkers. Hearing her say that fueled this self-consciousness... this social anxiety. It's not really the fear of being around people... it's more of a fear of people perceiving you as socially anxious or fearful... which fuels itself and makes matters worse and worse, which probably resulted in my lack of communication at dinner. I've come a long way from my debilitating anxiety, but the universe never seems to let me forget. It keeps me humble. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 15th, 2008
1:08 pm	I want to say the "L-word" to him, but I know once I say it, it will open up this Pandora's box of uncertainty and stress. I'd have to say it after every time he does, and that turns it from a genuine statement of feelings into a conditioned response. What if he doesn't say it after I do? What if I feel we're saying it too much once we start? Will it lose it's value if we overuse it? Will we overuse it? How will it sound when he says it? Will it sound genuine, forced, too casual? It will never be as genuine of a statement as it is the first time it's spoken. It gradually turns into something of a passing comment or response. I asked him to be my boyfriend. I made the first move. I kind of want to wait until he says it first, but what if he never says it? That would probably be a good thing. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 10th, 2008
1:29 pm	Err.. I have a boyfriend now. We're going to the Frida Kaholo exhibit in Philly tomorrow! :) (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
12:52 pm	SAP He's like heroin. I gave him the mix CD. There's no turning back now. This could hurt. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
5:00 pm	I will be house sitting for a friend of my coworker for THREE months this summer starting in three weeks... RENT FREE... in the WEST VILLAGE... which is a TEN MINUTE WALK FROM WORK!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! That is all. !!!!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
1:53 pm	The "Mexican food" in New York is a total abomination! Who the fuck puts mushrooms in an enchilada?! Also, the guacamole goes ON TOP of the enchilada, NOT inside. MaryAnne's is a disgrace to what Mexican food should be at it's weakest! Don't even get me started on Benny's! Their salsa tastes like it came right out of a fuckin' can! At least they're not trying to be authentic. They know what their not. They're literally one notch above TACO BELL. The closest thing to decent Mexican food is fucking Chipotle, which is owned by McDonald's! Come on! Mother fuckin' shit bitch ass cunt hole cock! Dry rice and canned beans!? Give a Chicano a break! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
12:42 am	So it's been a long time since I've posted something on here. Here it goes... I'm now living in New York and loving it. I'm currently working for Cartier as a temp until I land a job. I probably ship out 2-3 million dollars worth of watches a day! Ugh! I had a second interview at the gay and lesbian center earlier in the week and should hear back from them on whether I got the job before Christmas. I'm living with Christine's ex-roommates; they're a lesbian couple with three cats and a dog. They're awesome, but the animals are a little too much for me sometimes. I don't mind much though. I'm staying in Queens, which is pretty cool. It's not that far form the city. My burrito addiction has transformed into a pizza addiction. I discovered I'm sexually compulsive and have been going to SCA for the past month and a half. I met this Russian guy named Alex. He's a trekkie. I had 2 1/2 dates with him. I haven't had sex with him, and now I doubt I ever will. He's very smart, studying to be an engineer. Except last night he got super drunk and I left 'cause he made out with his best friend who was one of the ugliest dudes I've seen in NY thus far. I don't think there will be another date. Not that it was meant to get serious, nor did I want it to, but that display was gross. I didn't actually see them make out, but his friend was trying to mack with "Trekkie" without avail. Later, Trekkie told me he did indeed make out with him later in the night after I left and spent the night at his house. Gross. I miss Joey so much. We were boyfriends for a little over two months. It was nice. I totally got over crush with Mikey, his best friend, quick. Joey ended up falling in love with me, hard. Now I'm here, and he's there. I love what we had, but I'm not sure he's what I want. We're very different and have little in common. All I know is that it feels amazing cuddling up with him at night. I miss that the most. The new Radiohead album is AMAZING, to say the least. It'd cold, and I'm handling it pretty well. I was very nervous I wouldn't be able to withstand the cold weather, being a SoCal native and all. I'm adapting pretty well. We'll see when it gets to the teens though. There's fuckin' ICE on the streets though! WTF?! This shit ain't right! Now it's raining ice. Current Music: "4 Minute Warning" - Radiohead (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
1:50 pm	PALOMINO! I'm having sex with this guy named Joey. He's short and skinny... not usually my type, but he looks like James Dean and will let me bump him up the butt. He recently purchased a bed restraint so he could tie me up and have his way with me, but I'm not really into that. I actually fought him off and tied HIM up, which I think he secretly preffered. It was alright. I wish he would have let me whip him and stuff, but he's not into whips. So here's the big delema: I have a HUGE crush on his BEST FRIEND, Mikey! He's very cute and totally gets my sense of humor, like when Joey and I were talking about him tying me up, I told him, "OK Joey, the safety word is 'Palomino.'" Joey said, "OK" and Mikey started bursting in laughter. Plus Joey and I don't have too much in common. I'm moving to NYC in October. I saw Abi at Wildcat on Sunday. He was flirting with this one guy I dated 4 years ago, and onother guy I had sex with last year. I felt slutty. I told him one of them had herpes, 'cause that's what I though my friend Joe told me, well I misunderstood and turns out he doesn't have herpes, but if he does, I have no way of knowing. So I feel guilty about that. Abi told me the guy kissed him, "like this" he said as he gave me small peck on the lips. I raised my eyebrows and nodded and quickly wiped my lips as he turned his head. Except I think he saw me wipe my lips, which I'm OK with. I'm so free from worying about what he thinks. He looks damn sexy though, which I feel like I have to compete with. I'm working at Telecare right now. One of the residents just finished blasing Lionel Richie's Greatest Hits. Now she's blasting Amy Grant Live! Ugh! What's even worse is that I'm totally secretly enjoying it! I really don't like Joey's cat. She reminds me of my needy exboyfriend that didn't speak English, Fran Drescher, and Paris Hilton all rolled into a whiny ball of fur. It's not like me to dislike a cat. I also have a huge crush on another one of Joey's friends, Marissa. She looks a lot like Mandy Moore. Adorable! I like opening doors for her and putting my hand on her lower back when we're walking. Is anyone reading this? Current Music: Amy Grant (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
12:16 pm	Power Play I feel like my current state of mind and self-perception is cripling my ability to recognize and utilize the power of my sex apeal. There's a blackout between the time you turn off the lights and the moment I open my eyes to you sleeping next to me. We've fallen into this pattern of undermining any kind of genuineness beneath our lust and secrecy. It's a constant undercurrent of power play that only fades into the dark. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
2:30 pm	Unconditional Love I've come to a point in my life where I can honesty say I love myself. I'm an amazing person. I'm amazing not because I feel I'm better than most people, but because I'm better than what I was. I'm the person I've chosen to be—constantly evolving into something better. I've been perfecting myself for myself. Why should I need someone to love me when I've become the person for myself to love? And why should I love someone more than another? I don't feel comfortable falling in love—wasting all that love on just one person when I can love many. Am I jaded or bitter for this? I don't feel either. I understand the longing for love between two people. It's something I've perfected—wanting someone to love and love you in return. But is it all a delusion? Do we fall in love with the person we create, until his or her actions prove otherwise? Does true love really exist? Maybe it does for some, but without any disappointment or resentment, I can honestly say, I don't think that that kind of love exists for me. And I'm alright with that. What makes someone so extraordinary that they would deserve the majority of my love? The only person I would feel worthy enough to give all my love to would be my child. To create another being, raise it with all the wisdom and knowledge I've acquired from this world, and watch it grow into an individual I've helped mold is something I find terrifyingly beautiful. Imagine a person worthy of my unconditional love, someone worth dying for. Again, this kind of love my not exist for all. Sure there are a number of reasons against putting a child into this world—global warming, poverty, population growth, greed, etc. Even with all the horrible things in this world, I still find it difficult not to look around and appreciate its wonder and beauty. I want to share this with another person who has yet to be created. Until then, I have the greatest day, and greatest love, of my life to look forward to. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
2:59 pm	Ten self-indulgent current events/thoughts in my life I'm going to New York and Boston in two weeks. Janet Jackson sucks. I don't enjoy sex with another person much anymore. I was given a pot brownie last night, advised only to eat a very small portion. Well I ate a small portion, got stoned, then got the munchies really bad... so I ate the rest of the brownie. Now I'm just tired. I don't feel lonely anymore not having a significant other. I really don't like getting drunk anymore. I don't like consuming more than two servings of alcohol. I applied for a position on the National Transgender Education Project Youth Review Board. I'm under 25, so technically, I'm still a youth. Only 12-15 youth will be chosen. Hopefully I'll be one of them. It includes a trip to Washington D.C. all expenses paid! Plus it's a great way to focus my passion for transgender rights! *cross fingers* Sometimes I forget I'm still young. My body is lookin' great and my face has been so clear lately for quite some time now. Life is good, sometimes boring though. I need to be challenged. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
3:45 pm	Only at the Rainbow Alliance. Co-worker to volunteer who is on the computer: What 'cha lookin' at? Chicks with dicks website!? Volunteer: I'm tellin' ya, it's the best of both worlds, kiddo! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
4:54 pm	( Click here for cute pics ) (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
12:15 am	OK, here's a long over due entry. So, a little over a week ago, I met this ADORABLE totally HOT guy from online. He's my age, a Virgo, and has his BA in Film. He recently moved to Hollywood from Brooklyn... OK, before I describe him any more and start getting COMPLETELY depressed, let me just say he's fucking amazing. But he's totally leading me on. He's too nice to reject me. He said he might be able too meet up tonight, but he never returned my text message or email. I'm thinking I'm coming off as too interested, which is not good. Here's a IM convo we had just a few minutes ago: Vordhosben (11:54:18 PM): Hey Casey HIM (11:56:21 PM): yo Vordhosben (12:01:31 AM): So, did you ever want to meet up again? Was hoping to meet up tonight. If not, that's cool just let me know. Other wise I think we'd totally have fun. HIM (12:02:01 AM): of course i do..i just get so out of it and i sleep alot HIM (12:02:09 AM): so on my days off its always full of errands Vordhosben (12:02:27 AM): Yea, totally understand how that goes. Vordhosben (12:03:42 AM): I actually just woke up an hour ago from like a 4 hour nap. Was so tired. Sometimes I think my days off are more hectic and busy than my work days. Heh Vordhosben (12:05:55 AM): ANYWAY... if you want to meet up this week, I can do any day after 6. Just let me know HIM (12:06:27 AM): i will babe He's so not into me. I just wish he'd just tell me instead of leading me on. Cute fucking bastard. I only hung out with him for less than an hour and look how God damn obsessed I got. This is a problem for me. It sucks that I get so obsessed, and it's hard to suppress the obsession 'cause other wise I'd totally scare him away, if I already haven't. But CHRIST, he's SO cute and nice. He has such an adorable smile. Not to mention the Brooklyn accent and HOT freakin body! OK, I'm just digging myself in a hole. I got an email from ABI today. He's COMING BACK from Mexico and should be here early June. Scary. Haven't seen him since early October last year. I've changed so much in the past 7 months, and I'm sure he has too. I wonder what he'll think of the 20 pounds I've gained since we last saw each other. I can't beleive I'm more concerned about how he'll precieve me asthetically than anything else. That's not good Ruben! I'm terribly lonely. I was looking through my phone, trying to figure out who I can call to just talk, and no one came up. I've realized I have very little friends. The friends I've had have either moved away or lost in touch 'cause I'm so busy with work and school and the freakin' GYM. Damn. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 27th, 2006
3:11 pm	I am tired, broke, frustrated, heart-broken and I feel completely unattractive. What a horrible month. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
2:52 pm	Update: I weigh 170 pounds now. I've currently been obsessed with Ronnie Spector, Etta James, and Pat Benatar. I got a $1.50 raise at work and increased my hours from 35hrs/wk to 40. I turn 23 in exactly 2 weeks. Still loving working at my new job on Sat. and Sun. OK, so I have this problem at my new job. I'm not out. I don't want to be out. I work at a gay and lesbian center on the weekdays and ALL my friends are gay. Not only do I feel that because of this, I'm associated with my sexual orientation, but I personally kind of feel like I inadvertently define myself as a gay male. This new weekend job allows me to do NON-GAY stuff. I'm not Ruben, the gay. I'm just Ruben. I like that no one knows about my sexual orientation. So I don't tell anyone about it. I'm sure some might suspect just because people can tell. Lately, however, it's been more difficult to stay inconspicuous. This Sunday at work, a coworker of mine and I were training this new guy. Anyway, towards the last hour of our shift, my coworker started talking about how she saw Finding Neverland for the first time. Then the guy we were training says, "Johnny Depp! Nice. He's hot." My first reaction was, CHIRST, how did I not see that coming?! My second reaction was, FUCK, what do I say now?! For the next minute, which seemed like a life time, they talked about who in Hollywood they thought were cute. All I said, in respnse to my coworker gushing over Ryan Phillippe, was "Ryan Phillippe, isn't he married to Reese Witherspoon?" Ugh! I felt so stupid, especially after talking about going shopping on Melrose the hour before! SO, what's worse then them knowing I'm gay, is them knowing I'm gay but thinking I'm ashamed and in the closet! Ugh! I don't mind them suspecting, but I just don't want them to think I'm trying to pass as straight! Now I turned myself into the pink elephant. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
3:32 pm	For the last couple weeks, I've been having like THE WORST self esteem in a long time. I feel so unattractive. I went on a shopping spree because, well, I can kind of afford to with a second job, and I needed a boost. I bought the following shirt for $50 (along with over $200 of additional clothes)! I payed too much for this one! But damn, it's a hot shirt. I also bought 3 Dragonfly shirts @ $20 each (on sale from $50). Bought 2 pairs of jeans at $40 bucks each (TOTALLY on sale), a studded belt for $12, some 2(x)ist underwear on sale for $6 and a pack of white undershirts I got at half the sale price for $8 because apparently one of the shirts was missing, but when I took it home and reopened the package, there weren't any shirts missing! I initially just planned to buy one pair of shoes... but I've ALWAYS had a hard time finding shoes I like, plus they only go on your feel... I get distracted with shirts and stuff. Kinda like I know I should work on my calves at the gym, but always end up doing the bench press. I feel much better now, but it just sucks when all this time, energy and money is spent to look attractive, and the one person I want to be attracted to me finds me just "average". Plus that cracked out crazy from Ojai I met at Paddy's said I wasn't his type. REJECTED by the only two guys I've been attracted to this year. Current Music: Belle & Sebastian's new album: The Life Pursuit (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 29th, 2006
8:15 pm	"Well I may be an outlaw, darlin', but you're the one stealing my heart." I just watched Thelma & Louise for the first time in, like, YEARS. I remember watching it as a kid and thinking, OMG, Brad Pitt has the hottest most buffed up bod ever! Now watching him X years later, I feel so dumb, 'cause his body is sooo damn skinny! Sure he has pretty defined abs, but the rest of him is all Jack the Pumpkin King! ( HA! ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:30 am	So I decided to delete the guy I've been talking to from my phone so I won't call him. I got off work at 11:30PM last night and had to come back in at 7:00AM to work a DOUBLE until 11PM, but still went to the bar last night 'cause I knew he'd be there. Towards the end of the night, I went up to him and asked if he wanted to play some pool while some annoying kid was flirting with him. He said he didn't want to but later joined me for like two minutes and dumped that annoying kid on me to leave dancing. How rude is that?! I was used to get rid of that kid. The little bastard didn't even know how to play pool. He tried making the 8 ball in with the 15 ball. HELLO! I got so annoyed I just walked away from the pool table and went straight home without saying bye. Fucker. I spent the last 3 years of my life to get to the level of confidence and self-love/respect to let some guy treat me like I'm not worthy of his time. I let Abi do it to me and I'm not going to allow myself to get treated like that again. I'm just throwing myself at him, and all I get is a vague distant interest, feeling lucky to even get that. Well, I'm worth a lot more, and if he doesn't realize that, then HE'S not worth MY time! So, out of respect for myself, I refuse to call him. It's obvious he's not interested in ME, just the attention he gets from me. I give up. I stayed up until 3AM last night crying looking at sentimental stuff I've saved from Abi and reading every text message he's sent me. It was good to release some of that bottled up hurt. I can be very sensitive... it love/loath that part of me. I'm done. I'm looking forward to this Valentine's Day party my co-worker invited me to. She's the new Mental Health Coordinator at the Rainbow Alliance. She said there'll be lots of cute girls there, which I'm very excited about. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
1:45 pm	I've been talking to this guy for the past couple weeks. I think I like him a lot... but it's frustrating because I want him to be a certain way, but he's so not. So, should I just forget his flaws and "lack ofs" and just take what I can get to satisfy my current in-need-of-affection state of mind I'm trapped in, or should I just cut it off and admint to myself that maybe we're not a match? Well, here are the pros and cons: PROS: He has beautiful lips He has such a big heart He’s a giver, not a taker/Lover not a fighter He's like, the sexiest Latino guy ever with light, sharp features He makes me feel smart (which is also a con, see below) He seems like a very faithful person when it comes to relationships Uh... he's attracted to me I guess GAWD! He's just sooo purdy! CONS: He won't kiss me, stating "It's too personal" - Whatever, Pretty Woman! UGH! He's still in love with his ex-boyfriend (eh, so am I) He sooo doesn't get my humour! - He hardly has a sense of humour He doesn't respond to my displays of affection the way I want him to (that is, he hardly responds to them!) He's a top/sometimes versatile (which always ends up meaning he'll bottom, just not for me 'cause I'm "too big") He's not fully out to his family He has a very nice body, it's just not, well, ripped I get like ZINLCH intellectual stimuli from him He's too attached to his cell phone Uh... he’s a Cancer The only affection he initiates is petting my head, occasionally, if I’m lucky, he’ll pull it He’s got some annoying hip hop song as his answering message and ring tone He can be stubborn He never asks me questions Damn it, why can’t he just be the image of him I created before I got to know him?! (1 Comment |Comment on this)